Pitbull & Xtina's Feel This Moment - Video Review

Christina Aguilera's unbreakable lotus has finally been set free! After a couple of chart misfires, the iconic diva is rising up - back to the beginning - with another international smash. I wrote about "Feel This Moment" last month and basically called it a hot mess. That opinion still stands but the song has become something of a guilty pleasure and it warms what's left of my dead heart to hear Xtina's glorious pipes back on the radio.

And, it seems, I'm not alone. Despite minimal promotion, the '80s classic-sampling club banger is shooting up the charts worldwide. It would have been nice for one of the many great tracks on Lotus to get this kind of attention but I guess you need Pitbull's insightful musings - "I'm a genius, I mean brilliant" - to get bitches to click download. But that's a complaint for another day.

A belated video dropped over the weekend and it's as low brow and seemingly low budget as the song. There's a lot of tour footage, Mr Worldwide looking moronic but sexy (shut up - there's something about him!) and Godtina redefining flawlessness. I love her ridiculous wig and the fact that she's wearing more make-up than a Mexican tranny.

But most of all, I live for the parts where she's mouthing the words to Pit's rhymes, like she's collaborating with Jay Z or someone vaguely relevant. Christina is so awkward that it's endearing. I really hope she gets her groove back and reminds everyone how a real diva does it. This is a step in the right direction.

7/10

Floptina No More - Feel This Moment Is A Hit

First of all, sorry for the lack of updates. I've got a lot of shit going on at the moment but everything will be back to normal soon. In the meantime, please bear with me - and follow my ramblings on Twitter. There are a few things I want to comment on but let's start with the exit of Floptina. After a horror run, the dirtiest diva in the game finally has a hit on her hands. "Feel This Moment" is shooting up iTunes around the world - it's already top 10 in many countries across Europe and the Middle East - and is sitting just outside the top 50 on the Billboard Hot 100.

All of this is rather surprising - firstly because the A-Ha-sampling song was actually released way back in November 2012 and did absolutely nothing and, secondly, because there's been no promo. I guess the world just missed Godtina! To be honest, "Feel This Moment" is a hot mess. It's the kind of generic Pitbull trash that sounds amazing after your tenth trip to the bar on a Saturday night. I do rather like the "Take On Me" sample and Christina's vocal is endearingly over-the-top.

The fucked up thing is - this is what a bitch has to do to get a hit these days. There are half a dozen great songs on Lotus but radio is paying the pop legend dust and her label has all but pulled the plug. You literally have to make this kind of lowest common denominator shit for gays to spend $1.69 on a download. What is life? Oh well, hopefully this is massive and injects some interest into the Lotus campaign - even though it's on Pitbull's horrendous album. Watch the crappy lyric video below and download from Aus iTunes now.

These Beefcakes, A Spanish Flop & Pitbull Cover Aerosmith

Why is Pitbull so much less annoying in Spanish? Maybe it's because I don't understand when he "raps" about poppin' bottles and randomly lists cities. But this post is not about Mr Worldwide. To be honest it's a complete mystery how he ended up on the latest single from Puerto Rican duo Dyland & Lenny. They're not exactly household names. Anywhere.

Perhaps he just couldn't resist contributing to the greatest Latin pop track of 2013. I'm only being half-sarcastic. "Sin Ti" is a hot mess of epic proportions but I'm completely obsessed. The hip-hop/dance remake of Aerosmith's "Don't Wanna Miss A Thing" reminds me of those appalling techno mixes of popular songs we used to get in the '90s. Who will ever forget this triumph?

There's nothing classy or original about "Sin Ti" but it's so much fun you won't care one iota. Pitbull introduces his collaborators before making way for Dyland & Lenny, who actually sound pretty good to me. It could help that they spend most of the clip shirtless and are rather easy on the eye (see above).

And then there's the cherry on the top - Spanish dance flop legend Beatriz Luengo. I can't with this bitch. The way she pronounces "you" as "yowwww" cracks me up and why is she wearing Lady Gaga's studded bra from 2008 in the video? Lady, you're no Soraya!

Watch in awe below as this raggedy bunch destroy Aerosmith and deliver the best summer anthem you'll never hear on Australian radio.

The 25 Worst Singles Of 2012

Another night, another massive outpouring of shade. This time I'm revisiting the worst singles of 2012. And yes, it was difficult to narrow them down to just 25. In a year marked by generic production, pointless samples and terrible remixes - there really was a lot to choose from. Many of the usual suspects are present and accounted for but a couple of my faves dropped the ball as well. I tried to limit each artist to one appearance but a couple of them were repeat offenders and pop up multiple times. I'm looking forward to working on my 'best of' countdowns over the next few days. Reviewing all this bad music is starting to take a toll!

So here are the 25 worst singles of 2012:

25. C'mon Let Me Ride - Skylar Grey feat. Eminem (Video)

Poor Skylar. All that talent and her major label debut single is a humiliating song about riding Eminem's dick.

24. Timebomb - Kylie (Video)

I love Kylie but this is one of the worst singles of her glittering 25 year career. "Timebomb" is dated, boring and embarrassing. Let's just pretend it never happened.

23. Trouble - Leona Lewis (Video)

A shockingly obvious copy of Emeli Sandé's "Daddy" - only without the darkness, grit and catchy chorus.

22. Inndia - Inna (Video)

This dumb bitch must have been smoking the good stuff when she decided to release a song about how much her name sounds like India.

21. Wings - Little Mix (Video)

En Vogue called and want their act back.

20. Don't Stop The Party - Pitbull (Video)

You know, I can deal with Pitbull when he randomly shouts out a couple of city names and then says "dale!" on someone else's track but a whole song of his bullshit is harder to take than a 12" cock.

19. Give Me Your Luvin' - Madonna, Nicki Minaj and M.I.A (Video)

Did Madonna really think she'd get all the kids singing "L-U-V Madonna" just because she stuck a couple of desperate feature-creatures on her record? The level of delusion is truly galling.

18. She Wolf - David Guetta and Sia (Video)

Sia continues to sell her soul to satan with yet another low rent feature. As much as I hate David Guetta, "Titanium" was a triumph. This is just a fat South Australian wailing non-sensical gibberish about a she-wolf over tired beats that made me feel abused like a coffee machine in an office. Shakira fans will get that last reference!

17. That's What We Do - Ashanti (Video)

Why is this redundant bitch still trying?

16. 16 & Unstoppable - Christina Parie (Video)

I interviewed Christina and she was lovely. Which is why someone needs to tell her to enrol in TAFE next year and get a real job because the music thing ain't gonna happen.

15. Whistle - Flo Rida (Video)

Oral sex tips from the man who brought us "In The Ayer". Thanks. 

14. You Won't Let Me - Karise Eden (Video)

That frumpy chick from The Voice desperately wants to be Adele. Shame then that she's another Casey Donovan.

13. Best Of You - Anastacia (Video)

A washed-up cunt singing bad karaoke.

12. Girl Gone Wild - Madonna (Video)

This is too easy. Madonna still remembers when dinosaurs walked the earth. In which alternate universe is she considered a girl? Let it go, bitch. Lady Gaga already stole your gays and nobody else gives a shit.

11. Cockiness (I Love It) - Rihanna (Video)

Think Katy Perry's "Peacock" without the tongue-in-cheek humour or thinly veiled penis metaphors set to migraine-inducing generic beats. It sounds like the worst porn soundtrack ever.

10. I Luv Dem Strippers - 2 Chainz and Nicki Minaj (Video)

The title says it all.

9. Naked - Dev feat. Enrique Iglesias (Video)

I dare you to talk me through the appeal of Dev with a straight. The woman literally has nothing going for her. She can't sing, has no charisma and looks like she was beaten with the ugly stick more severely than Ed Sheeran. Even the presence of Enrique can't save this mess.

8. Gogostar - Valerio Pino (Video)

Sucking Ricky Martin's cock does not entitle you to embark on a pop career.

7. Dancing With A Broken Heart - Delta Goodrem (Video)

Delta was let out of the stable long enough to record the worst Australian dance song of 2012. It was a good idea in theory - I like the Tommy Trash remix of "Believe Again" - but this is so self-conscious it hurts. Delta really thinks she's recording "Someone Like You" when she's really just picking up where Ricki-Lee left off.

6. Laserlight - Jessie J and David Guetta (Video)

Can this cunt just go away? Please?

5. Ice - Kelly Rowland and Lil Wayne (Video)

Nobody was here for Kelly's desperate "Motivation" sequel, which sounded like a Penthouse letter set to really, really bad music. The image of Kelly shoving ice cubes into her vagina has haunted my dreams ever since.

4. Scream & Shout - Britney and will.i.am (Video)

This sums up everything that is wrong with music in 2012. An abomination.

3. Starships - Nicki Minaj (Video)

How does Nicki still have a career after this song? It's worse than Pitbull's last 37 collaborations put together. I can't even enjoy the inherent camp appeal because Nicki is such a egotistical bitch that she probably thinks this is the new gold standard for pop, dance and R&B. Unforgivable.

2. Birthday Cake - Rihanna and Chris Brown (Video)

Because everyone wanted to hear Rihanna and Breezy sing about how much they enjoy fucking each other. And then there's the sheer THIRST. Why bother with this when they're capable of singing something respectable like "Nobody's Business"? Attention is the only reason I can think of.

1. On Top - Johnny Ruffo (below)

I have a high tolerance for crap. I really do. But everything about Johnny's debut just makes me cringe. The lyrics, his voice, the video - all painfully embarrassing. His follow-up was a lot better but the sheer shittiness of this record torpedoed his career before it even began. Thank god he scored a role on Home & Away because the music thing really didn't work out.