The 25 Worst Singles Of 2012

Another night, another massive outpouring of shade. This time I'm revisiting the worst singles of 2012. And yes, it was difficult to narrow them down to just 25. In a year marked by generic production, pointless samples and terrible remixes - there really was a lot to choose from. Many of the usual suspects are present and accounted for but a couple of my faves dropped the ball as well. I tried to limit each artist to one appearance but a couple of them were repeat offenders and pop up multiple times. I'm looking forward to working on my 'best of' countdowns over the next few days. Reviewing all this bad music is starting to take a toll!

So here are the 25 worst singles of 2012:

25. C'mon Let Me Ride - Skylar Grey feat. Eminem (Video)

Poor Skylar. All that talent and her major label debut single is a humiliating song about riding Eminem's dick.

24. Timebomb - Kylie (Video)

I love Kylie but this is one of the worst singles of her glittering 25 year career. "Timebomb" is dated, boring and embarrassing. Let's just pretend it never happened.

23. Trouble - Leona Lewis (Video)

A shockingly obvious copy of Emeli Sandé's "Daddy" - only without the darkness, grit and catchy chorus.

22. Inndia - Inna (Video)

This dumb bitch must have been smoking the good stuff when she decided to release a song about how much her name sounds like India.

21. Wings - Little Mix (Video)

En Vogue called and want their act back.

20. Don't Stop The Party - Pitbull (Video)

You know, I can deal with Pitbull when he randomly shouts out a couple of city names and then says "dale!" on someone else's track but a whole song of his bullshit is harder to take than a 12" cock.

19. Give Me Your Luvin' - Madonna, Nicki Minaj and M.I.A (Video)

Did Madonna really think she'd get all the kids singing "L-U-V Madonna" just because she stuck a couple of desperate feature-creatures on her record? The level of delusion is truly galling.

18. She Wolf - David Guetta and Sia (Video)

Sia continues to sell her soul to satan with yet another low rent feature. As much as I hate David Guetta, "Titanium" was a triumph. This is just a fat South Australian wailing non-sensical gibberish about a she-wolf over tired beats that made me feel abused like a coffee machine in an office. Shakira fans will get that last reference!

17. That's What We Do - Ashanti (Video)

Why is this redundant bitch still trying?

16. 16 & Unstoppable - Christina Parie (Video)

I interviewed Christina and she was lovely. Which is why someone needs to tell her to enrol in TAFE next year and get a real job because the music thing ain't gonna happen.

15. Whistle - Flo Rida (Video)

Oral sex tips from the man who brought us "In The Ayer". Thanks. 

14. You Won't Let Me - Karise Eden (Video)

That frumpy chick from The Voice desperately wants to be Adele. Shame then that she's another Casey Donovan.

13. Best Of You - Anastacia (Video)

A washed-up cunt singing bad karaoke.

12. Girl Gone Wild - Madonna (Video)

This is too easy. Madonna still remembers when dinosaurs walked the earth. In which alternate universe is she considered a girl? Let it go, bitch. Lady Gaga already stole your gays and nobody else gives a shit.

11. Cockiness (I Love It) - Rihanna (Video)

Think Katy Perry's "Peacock" without the tongue-in-cheek humour or thinly veiled penis metaphors set to migraine-inducing generic beats. It sounds like the worst porn soundtrack ever.

10. I Luv Dem Strippers - 2 Chainz and Nicki Minaj (Video)

The title says it all.

9. Naked - Dev feat. Enrique Iglesias (Video)

I dare you to talk me through the appeal of Dev with a straight. The woman literally has nothing going for her. She can't sing, has no charisma and looks like she was beaten with the ugly stick more severely than Ed Sheeran. Even the presence of Enrique can't save this mess.

8. Gogostar - Valerio Pino (Video)

Sucking Ricky Martin's cock does not entitle you to embark on a pop career.

7. Dancing With A Broken Heart - Delta Goodrem (Video)

Delta was let out of the stable long enough to record the worst Australian dance song of 2012. It was a good idea in theory - I like the Tommy Trash remix of "Believe Again" - but this is so self-conscious it hurts. Delta really thinks she's recording "Someone Like You" when she's really just picking up where Ricki-Lee left off.

6. Laserlight - Jessie J and David Guetta (Video)

Can this cunt just go away? Please?

5. Ice - Kelly Rowland and Lil Wayne (Video)

Nobody was here for Kelly's desperate "Motivation" sequel, which sounded like a Penthouse letter set to really, really bad music. The image of Kelly shoving ice cubes into her vagina has haunted my dreams ever since.

4. Scream & Shout - Britney and will.i.am (Video)

This sums up everything that is wrong with music in 2012. An abomination.

3. Starships - Nicki Minaj (Video)

How does Nicki still have a career after this song? It's worse than Pitbull's last 37 collaborations put together. I can't even enjoy the inherent camp appeal because Nicki is such a egotistical bitch that she probably thinks this is the new gold standard for pop, dance and R&B. Unforgivable.

2. Birthday Cake - Rihanna and Chris Brown (Video)

Because everyone wanted to hear Rihanna and Breezy sing about how much they enjoy fucking each other. And then there's the sheer THIRST. Why bother with this when they're capable of singing something respectable like "Nobody's Business"? Attention is the only reason I can think of.

1. On Top - Johnny Ruffo (below)

I have a high tolerance for crap. I really do. But everything about Johnny's debut just makes me cringe. The lyrics, his voice, the video - all painfully embarrassing. His follow-up was a lot better but the sheer shittiness of this record torpedoed his career before it even began. Thank god he scored a role on Home & Away because the music thing really didn't work out.

The 15 Worst Albums Of 2012

Everything about 2012 sucked - including pop music. I can't remember another year when I struggled to find a single album to enjoy from beginning to end. There were quite a few good ones but only a handful of truly great records. On the flip side, there was no shortage of stinkers. I feel like the music industry is in a rut. The electro-dance trend is finally running out of steam and other genres (apart from country) simply don't sell at the moment. So what's a bitch to do? Record a lazy, half-arsed album that just treads water turned out to be the popular choice.

As such, putting this list together too easy. I could have made a top 50 but couldn't be fucked revisiting that many shockers. Instead I chose to concentrate on the main offenders. Surprisingly, a number of former faves are included. It pains me to admit that many of these divas were once near and dear to me. Of course there are also a bunch of regulars that continue to commit crimes against music. Speaking of which, I should give Leona Lewis a special shout out. Glassheart is her first album not to feature on my annual 'worst of' countdown. It's not gonna make my best of countdown either but congratultions are still in order!

So here goes. These are the 15 worst albums of 2012:

15. Fear & Freedom - Ricki-Lee

Oh look, it's my old friend Ricki-Lee! I don't know where to start with this saga. After years of blind fandom - search the site - I wrote a critical review of her "Do It Like That" video and triggered World War III. It was all a bit embarrassing but I still had high hopes for Fear & Freedom. After all, "Raining Diamonds" was a triumph and Ricki has some of the best pipes in the country. Unfortunately, her third offering is a collection of limp dance anthems that Melissa Tkautz would turn down for being too dated. Frustratingly, there are a couple of gems. I love the current single "Burn It Down" and think "Never Let Go" is a hit. The rest is as generic as Homebrand toilet paper.

14. The Truth About Love - Pink

This album was great when it was originally released as I'm Not Dead. It was slightly less enjoyable when rehashed as Funhouse and almost unlistenable the third time around with the exception of "Try". Which is a cover anyway. When are people going to wake up to this fraud?

13. Timomatic - Timomatic

How ridiculous is that cover art? Tim looks like a gay pimp that was just assaulted by the world's worst Photoshop newcomer. Sadly, the music isn't much better. The first two singles were magnificent - particularly the epic "If Looks Could Kill" - but the rest is generic urban-dance trash that Chris Brown wouldn't piss on. I think Tim has talent but, on the evidence of this, very little charisma and no versatility. Maybe a career as a dancer is the way forward?

12. Electra Heart - Marina & The Diamonds

Now this stings. I've been supporting Marina since the beginning. In fact, I used to chat with her on Myspace before she was even signed. And then it all came together. The pre-debut vinyl EPs moved me to tears and The Family Jewels hit all the right notes. But it didn't sell and that obviously rubbed the openly ambitious Marina the wrong way. So she worked with a bunch of big producers, dumbed down her sound and limited her lyrical scope to standard radio fare. Electra Heart produced one hit single but ultimately sank faster than the Bionic. I hope it's a lesson learned.

11. Tresspassing - Adam Lambert

I really want to like Adam Lambert. He has all the makings of a great pop star - apart from good songs. What annoys me the most about Tresspassing is that he bragged about making the album he always wanted to make. So he spent his whole life dreaming of a poorly-executed Pink tribute album? Where is the guts? More disturbing, where is the glam? This is such a shitty, watered-down affair with no style and nothing even resembling a hit. I'd take his last, blatantly commercial album over this epic fail any day of the week.

10. Heartbreak On Hold - Alexandra Burke

This poor bitch. Alexandra realised that walking in Leona's middle-of-the-road footsteps would lead to ruin, so she tried to shake things up and reemerge as an edgy club diva. It was a pretty good plan until she had the misfortune of hooking up with the worst producers in the history of popular music. Dated doesn't begin to describe these tired-as-fuck beats. I blame the label. Releasing something this poorly crafted is just setting someone up to fail. Oh well, there's always Celebrity Big Brother. Right?

9. Halycon - Ellie Goulding

Chalk this up as another bitter disappointment. I loved her debut despite those ricepaper thin vocals and limited lyrical scope. Ellie was just starting to get some serious traction with US top 10 hit "Lights" and then decides to turn her back on the perky synthpop sound that made her famous in favour of meandering indie-pop fare and semi-acoustic ballads. Why? With the exception of "Anything Could Happen", Halcyon is bereft of hits - and even decent filler for that matter. This is the perfect example of someone pushing boundaries in all the wrong directions.

8. A Million Lights - Cheryl

How do you solve a problem like Cheryl? My suggestion is a bullet.

7. Unapologetic - Rihanna

Read my review. I hear it's really popular with The Navy! You know, this is such a sad little record. Unapologetic is just two good songs slapped together with a bunch of filler to get something on shelves in time for Christmas. Def Jam clearly has no long term plan for Rih or they wouldn't be churning through whatever goodwill she has left after Talk That Talk with another basic-as-fuck rush job.

6. Anxiety - Ladyhawke

I've heard of the sophomore slump but Ladyhawke committed sophomore suicide with this jaw-droppingly dreadful effort. I defy you to find one decent chorus on this stinking piece of shit! It makes me wonder who selected the songs for her debut because this is proof that Pip had no involvement in that flawless pop gem whatsoever. Let's just play "My Delirium" and pretend this never happened. Please.

5. Ten - Girls Aloud

Excuse my while I laugh my fucking arse off. These five talentless cunts really thought they were something special despite never denting a chart outside the UK. To the extent that they all embarked on solo careers and flopped one after the other. Honestly, it was like watching lemmings walk off a cliff!

So with no career prospects left, the already washed-up divas reunite for a Greatest Hits album that barely scraped into the UK top 10 and fell down the charts like a brick being thrown from a second floor window. This tiresome collection of minor UK hits is painfully generic and boring. When are they going to throw in the towel and ask Nadine for a job at Tesco?

4. Roman Reloaded - Nicki Minaj

You know, I was here for Nicki when she broke. Pink Friday was a solid rap album with a couple of pop detours to keep radio interested. The genre was hers to own if she wanted. Instead, she reinvented herself as the female Pitbull on Roman Reloaded - singing generic club-bangers for undiscerning gay men. What the fuck? And yet, the Barbz lapped it up and radio kept playing her shit. I hope Onika enjoys her moment because I've noticed that the tide starting to turn. It's only a matter of time before she's trading mixtapes with Lil' Mama.

3. Infatuation - Kate Alexa

Sorry but I'm going to say it. How ugly do you have to be for someone to suggest your album cover would look better if you brushed your hair over your face? Good lord. The thing that annoys me the most about this abomination is that I was always in Kate's corner when she was being trashed by the media for being Michael Gudinsky's daughter. If my dad ran a record label, I'd expect some special treatment too!

And her first album was extremely cute. I liked all the singles and even stanned for "Teardrops" - her bizarre collab with Baby Bash. But this mess... is unforgivable. Who wrote and produced clangers like "Fucked Up Me", "I Deny" and "I Don't Think So"? I want to know so I can demand a written apology! And don't even start me on "X Rated". Of all the divas I want to hear singing about porn, Kate comes somewhere between Susan Boyle and Judith Durham.

2. Child Of The Universe - Delta Goodrem

Look at this smug bitch sitting at her stupid piano thinking she's a supermodel. Anyone would think she had a career outside of Australia! "Child Of The Universe" is another spectacularly empty and soulless affair that desperately tries to convey Delta's talent but really just showcases her vocal and lyrical shortcomings. And get off that fucking piano. You're not Yanni! Without her stint on The Voice, this would have disappeared in a matter of weeks. Oh it did anyway? GIRL, BYE.

1. MDNA - Madonna

Now let me pull up a comfortable chart because this might take a while. MDNA, or MDOA as I like to call it, is the absolute nadir of Madonna's painfully long career. She's had some lows - ie. every album she's released since Ray Of Light, especially the original Bionic otherwise known as Hard Candy - but I admire her business smarts. When you've been in the game since 1923, you pick up some tricks and the senior citizen is good at following a flop with a commercial album. Like when she bounced back from American Life with Confessions.

And that was obviously the plan this time around. To come back with the most generic, radio-friendly offering she could manage complete with rent-a-rapper Nicki Minaj and that other bitch that noone cares about. So how did it all go so wrong? Some people said she was too old for dance music. There are parts of Madonna that are younger than Birdy, so that's not it. I don't agree that everyone over the age of 40 should singing jazz covers. Kylie, Gwen Stefani and Jennifer Lopez are still making fun music for people half their age. But I guess there's a difference between churning out catchy dance anthems and singing about gang-bangs and being fucked up on drugs.

Who is she trying to impress? We all know Vadge is in bed at five o'clock watching Wheel Of Fortune with all the other oldies. And then there were the heinous single choices. Only the most ratchet queen is going to download a song that spells Madonna's name out in the lyrics. We were all trying to keep this purchase on the downlow! And "Girl Gone Wild"? Bitch, please. That boat sailed in the '80s and is currently rotting next to the Titanic. If nothing else, MDNA did provide fodder for the magical YouTube clip below and proved once and for all that Martin Solveig should never be allowed back in a studio. Ever again.

Gimme A Rihfund - Unapologetic Album Review

Rihanna is yet to release a truly great album - or even a moderately good one, for that matter. It's no surprise then that Unapologetic is a monumental failure on every level. The captain of the world's most incompetent Navy has always been a singles artist. That's fine. Some divas have mastered the art of the three and a half minute pop song but don't have the depth or talent to hold your interest for 40 minutes. Look at Madonna and Britney. They have only produced one good album between since 1983. The sad thing is - Rihanna doesn't even try. She probably spent more time shooting the cover than recording Unapologetic. And it shows.

Album number seven is a wildly uneven batch of soulless, disconnected tracks that - somewhat bizarrely given its lacklustre sales - picks up where Talk That Talk left off. The label is making a concerted effort to distance the 24-year-old from the commercial dance-pop that made her a superstar and reposition her as a gritty urban diva (albeit with enough electronica thrown in to keep radio happy). It's an uneasy fit. There are a couple of excellent tracks and some amazing production courtesy of the best knob-twiddlers in the game but even those gems are bogged down in tired filler and spoiled by the broard-foreheaded diva's increasingly unappealing attitude.

We get it. You're a bad bitch. But surely there's more to you than bragging about your tits and hits? I wish Rih would just realise that she's manufactured pop star and get on with churning out the generic floorfillers. Trying to cover up her shortcomings with increasingly pornographic photoshoots and invented scandals is becoming less convincing by the minute. Rihanna is less involved in her music career than Heidi Montag. She's just the puppet that Def Jam dusts off once a year to entertain basic bitches and ratchet gays. And we all know it - some of us just don't care.

Here is my track by track review of Unapologetic:

Presh Out The Runway - 1/10

"How could you be so hood but you're so fucking pop?" muses Riri in this pointless piece of noise pollution. Someone like Azealia Banks could have pulled this off. Rihanna just sounds like she's reading quips a cracked-out drag queen smeared on a napkin while doing lines with her in the club. The production is awful too. David Guetta and The-Dream sounds like an interesting combination on paper but it's absolutely painful in reality.

Diamonds - 5/10

I've already written about this Sia B-side at length, so I'll keep it short but I will admit that the song has grown on me. I think it's the Toto sample that holds my attention. Regardless, "Diamonds" is still a dreadful lead single that only got to number one on momentum and sheer marketing acumen. No one will remember this in 5 years.

Numb - 0/10

"Love The Way You Lie" is one of the greatest hip-hop/pop collaborations in recent memory. I feel every word of that song, so I was actually looking forward to Ms Fenty's reunion with Eminem. It turns out to be the album's lowlight. Download this shit if you want to hear the poor man's Shontelle say "numb" 30 times over a sterile beat.

Pour It Up - 2/10

Mike WiLL Made It is one of hip-hop's hottest producers. I loved 2 Chainz "No Lie" and Juicy J's "Bandz A Make Her Dance" but he really needs to stick to rap. The beats come thick and fast but there's no variety and Rihanna's endless bragging about her bumper bank account (thankfully) gets drowned out. It's an unsuccessful experiment but I'd take this over the generic Guetta tracks every single time.

Loveeeeeee Song - 5/10 

Leave it to Future to get the album back on track. I love the production on this. It genre hops effortlessly and the random electric guitar is a great touch. Think of this as an updated version of Prince and Madonna's "Love Song" from 1989 - only with lots of talk about niggas and bitches. Again it sounds forced but this is a solid record.

Jump - 7/10

UK dance act Chase & Status take Rihanna on a dub-step adventure and collect some major scalps. This is an irresistible club record that proves the Barbadian diva is at her best when singing inane lyrics about burning up the dancefloor. The sample of Ginuwine's "Pony" is inspired and I love how mental the breakdowns are. For everyone's sake I hope this is a single.

Right Now - 0/10

Generic David Guetta-produced dance trash for the lowest common denominator of homosexual.  

What Now - 7/10

The only thing I know about this producer is that he is responsible for Jessie J's "Do It Like A Dude". Which is a good thing because that song tricked me into thinking that heinous British bitch was the real deal. "What Now" is a towering, over-the-top electronic ballad that keeps on building and building to the point where it's kind of ridiculous but also rather amazing. Again, the production is great and I like Rih's vocal on this.

Stay - 8.5/10

Hats off to Rihanna's A&R team for stealing this gem from alt-pop maestro Mikky Ekko. No shade. They know a great song when they hear one. This pares things right back to basics for a semi-acoustic piano ballad that is actually rather gorgeous and, dare I say it, classy. It's inevitable that this will be released as a single and I won't even grumble when the pretty love song becomes her 217th number one hit. "Stay" is a quality and will hopefully be a powerful shot in the arm for Mikky's career.

Nobody's Business - 10/10

The star-crossed lovers gave everyone indigestion last year with their unfortunate "Birthday Cake" and I was really against Breezy lowering his standards to sing with Riri again but - to my great surprise - this is truly flawless. The-Dream's slinky, Michael Jackson-sampling production is a treat - I love the '90s vibe - and Chris' smooth vocal caresses your ears like a sex offender grabbing your butt on a crowded train. He really is the new King of pop. But the main reason I approve of "Nobody's Business" is the fact that it's genuine and sincere. I actually believe what Rihanna is singing for the one and only time on the album.

Love Without Tragedy/Mother Mary - 1/10

Best leave the sprawling 7 minute pop songs to Frank Ocean. This tries so hard to be deep and meaningful but it's a bigger misfire than Battleship.

Get It Over With - 1/10

Brian Kennedy produced Jessica Mauboy's "Saturday Night" so you know this is going to be shit. A boring mid-tempo mess that goes absolutely nowhere.

No Love Allowed - 1/10

I usually like Rihanna's dancehall-flavoured grooves but "No Love Allowed" makes "Man Down" sound like "Pon De Replay". No ID sucks the life out of the Caribbean queen on this cure for insomnia. It's obvious that the label were trying to show their cash cow's versatility but it just comes across as calculated and played out. This is the worst kind of filler.

Lost In Paradise - 4/10

My friend Labrinth gets a production credit on this intriguing if somewhat unsuccessful dub-step excursion. I would love an instrumental of "Lost In Paradise". The music is great but Rihanna's vocal gets swallowed by the bone-marrow shaking beats. The end result is well-crafted but unconvincing and ultimately pointless. Much like this album.