Why Spain Is The Cradle Of Human Civilisation

You know, I thought I had scraped the bottom of the pop barrel several times on this blog over the past eight years with tranny divas and fisting anthems but María Lapiedra reaches a previously unimagined new low with, quite possibly, the most terrible song and video ever shat out by a thirsty attention whore. And by terrible, I obviously mean amazing! So who is this hot fucking mess? I don't really know and, to be honest, I'm scared to find out. I already love her like a mother and I'm afraid I will lose all self-control if I witness any more of her despicable antics.

All you really need to know is that your new favourite vocalist is an ex-porn actress who releases a new song every Summer to uphold Spain's rich cultural heritage. This year's offering is called "Maribombo" and is utterly horrendous from beginning to end. My Spanish is pretty bad but I think María is singing about the joys of being pregnant when she squeaks "algo se mueve en mi interior, no es una polla es otra sensación" - literally "something's moving inside me, it's not a dick but another sensation". I can't think of a nicer way to describe the miracle of childbirth. Hallmark, please put this touching sentiment on a card.

But the Spanish siren's words of wisdom don't end there. I think she's talking about hand jobs and cum but those topics never covered that in my semester of Mexican studies, so I'm only guessing. The video, or the best film since Citizen Kane as I like to call it, makes the dubious subject matter fairly obvious. We get to watch the heavily pregnant icon dance in a club, writhe on the bar and give birth. Oh and there's a random white man in black face just so there's something to offend everyone.

Watch below and join me in preparing for the end of days because this is surely confirmation that they Mayans were right.

These Beefcakes, A Spanish Flop & Pitbull Cover Aerosmith

Why is Pitbull so much less annoying in Spanish? Maybe it's because I don't understand when he "raps" about poppin' bottles and randomly lists cities. But this post is not about Mr Worldwide. To be honest it's a complete mystery how he ended up on the latest single from Puerto Rican duo Dyland & Lenny. They're not exactly household names. Anywhere.

Perhaps he just couldn't resist contributing to the greatest Latin pop track of 2013. I'm only being half-sarcastic. "Sin Ti" is a hot mess of epic proportions but I'm completely obsessed. The hip-hop/dance remake of Aerosmith's "Don't Wanna Miss A Thing" reminds me of those appalling techno mixes of popular songs we used to get in the '90s. Who will ever forget this triumph?

There's nothing classy or original about "Sin Ti" but it's so much fun you won't care one iota. Pitbull introduces his collaborators before making way for Dyland & Lenny, who actually sound pretty good to me. It could help that they spend most of the clip shirtless and are rather easy on the eye (see above).

And then there's the cherry on the top - Spanish dance flop legend Beatriz Luengo. I can't with this bitch. The way she pronounces "you" as "yowwww" cracks me up and why is she wearing Lady Gaga's studded bra from 2008 in the video? Lady, you're no Soraya!

Watch in awe below as this raggedy bunch destroy Aerosmith and deliver the best summer anthem you'll never hear on Australian radio.

Meet Spain's Classiest Diva - Yurena

Who is this heavenly creature? Seriously, I need to know everything! I can't even work out if Yurena is a man or a woman. All I can tell from my hours minutes of research is that s/he is really old, loves plastic surgery and recently posed nude for a magazine. To be honest, that's enough for me. This bitch is clearly Spain's classiest export since Las Ketchup and until Soraya does more with her life than beg fans for money on Twitter, s/he is my new favourite Spanish diva.

Call me crazy but I think "Go" is a really good song - if you overlook Yurena's bad pronunciation and robotic vocals. And even with those disadvantages, it's still better than anything on MDNA. I like the icy production and find the lyrics oddly pretty for such a trash anthem. Of course, it helps to hear the song without looking at the video (below). Which is basically a four minute glimpse into hell. There is terrifying choreography, creepy old gays and a singer who looks like a half-melted wax statue of Audrey Hepburn. It makes me feel violated in so many ways but I can't stop looking.

Now tell me all there is to know about the pop legend that is Yurena!