T-ARA RANT: WHY DOES SOYEON GET THE MOST LINES, WHEN SHE CAN SING LIVE AS LITTLE AS QRI?

I love T-Ara and I love their comeback single "Number 9", but as time goes on, I keep having this frustration with whoever the line arranger is. Soyeon is by no means the strongest vocalist in the group but somehow she gets the most lines... ever. More than Eunjung and Hyomin who are far better vocalists than her, heck even Boram is kicking everyone's ass in that department with her flawless vocals and raps.

Soyeon is your typical KPop singer, she isn't a great vocalist, she isn't the visual, she isn't the most popular and she for sure isn't the most likable, so it baffles me that comeback after comeback she keeps getting the most lines. For the past year and a half I used to let it slide because she was the leader at the time, but Qri took over this past summer and she still has the most lines.

I get her voice is appealing for choruses and hooks, but she can't sing live. She sings along to the backing track as badly if not worst than Qri (and my Queen can't sing to save her life.)

To compare.

Day by Day

WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK? She gets the bridge and that's what she decides to sing? And Qri and Boram get TWO LINES. THE ACTUAL FUCK?

Sexy Love

Yes, I can feel your love, I can't feel or hear your vocals though boo. And again Qri gets like no lines. 

Number 9 

O.o What is this? At least Qri has an excuse, she was originally going to be a model, not a singer. She was added to the group with out the years of training Soyeon had. What's your excuse Soyeon? 

My only request is that CCM gets their shit together and give Qri and Boram more lines. Especially Qri since she's the new leader. 

There's no excuse to why Soyeon has so many lines.

LANA DEL FLOP AKA LANA DEL SLAY AKA LANA DEL US TOP TEN QUEEN IS COMING FOR THAT #1!

She ain't no flop no more! The now Queen of US Top 40 radio and soon to be Queen of this mother fucking world has finally entered my body and soul. It only took me five beers and a really shitty mood to appreciate the wonders of this talented, amazing, natural beauty.

I sound like a delusional stan on purpose by the way. Even if my sentences come off as mocking, I ironically say them but actually mean them. I was drunk as fuck one night and I was looking at some of her performances because I was feeling like hating on someone and then I saw this video of her meeting these Australian fans. She is soooooooo down to earth, her natural lips may never come down to her face again but her attitude, omg she's amazing. She was cute, and thankful and just genuine. Put her in a sheesh kabob and feed me her for dinner. I would eat that up in a second.

"Summertime Sadness" is really why we're here though. The iconic, sleeper hit, has reached a new high in the US at a cute #9 on the Hot 100. You know that's like 91 more stops than your fave flop. Just saying, I'm keeping score. 

The remix aka "Versus" single is slaying everything in its' path. So if I were Katy Flop and Lady Flop Flop I would watch my asses because Lana del Flawless is coming for that #1.

I just want a beer, a cigarette and a Jawbone speaker right now. 

G-DRAGON BECOMES THE LIL' WAYNE OF SOUTH KOREA, UGH!

G-Dragon could not let Seung Ri have his 10 seconds of fame. The devil of KPop came back this week with some hot ass mess of a three part EP shit. He has a song with Missy Elliot, Sky Ferreira, some girl named Jenny... I don't know I can't keep track. All I know is that I'm sick of him and he hasn't even debuted on variety shows.

"Niliria" his dumb-as-fuck song with Missy Elliot is your typical try-hard "Hip Hop" KPop song. It's so try hard and repetitive. "like what what what what what what what what"... I mean if you're gonna have a repetitive hook at least sing it in Korean so I don't know what you're singing cuz let's be real, I ain't googling the translation for this hot ass mess.

"Black" featuring Sky Flopreira is a snoozefest. He is trying to show various sides of his Lil' Wayne alter ego but I already left, I'm already on the "I don't give a fuck about G-Dragon train" and I ain't making no U turn.

Sadly the mofo is outselling Seung Ri, Kara (who have been labeled the "new T-Ara" based on their controversy, hahahahaha) and every other bitch in the game. It's so sad.

I'm not even gonna post the music video or performance video, I don't want him to get more video views, that's the last thing we need.

Pretty much the same madafaka if you ask me. I am in a bad mood today, damn.

TEEN TOP COMEBACK TRACK "ROCKING" IS DESTROYING EVERY KPOP STAR RIGHT NOW!

Teen Top are back and catchier than ever! The boys have ditched their vocals, their manly theme, their boyish theme, their lyrics, their everything... and it's the best thing they have ever decided to do! After many attempts at proving to be more than just a cute group, the holy fivesome came back last week with the addictive and super repetitive title track "Rocking"... and they already won their first KPOP trophy! When will your faves?

"Rocking" literally has like 10 non-repetitive lines and sadly Niel (or whatever the fuck you spell it) sings most of them. But, shade aside, his autotune voice is hot and so are the rest of the group. My husband and future father of my kids, C.A.P. only gets 3-4 lines but you know what, I ain't even mad cuz I still get to stare at that cute face when they perform. 

My thoughts exactly Chunji

The music video already has over 1.4M views, which is a lot for a non SM artist. Speaking of the music video. It's a fun roller coaster. The choreography is sharp, the visual is appealing and the background set isn't half as bad. 

What really sells it for me, is their charisma. They know they are singing gibberish, I don't need to speak Korean to know that, but they are singing and dancing to it like it's the next "Thriller" and I appreciate that. LIE TO ME, I don't need to know these lyrics are dumb.

Their comeback stages have been their best so far! While performing "Don't I", the three members who usually get overshadowed (Ricky especially) finally get more than one line. Ricky actually gets to sing a lot (well "rap") and it's a nice change of pace. It also doesn't hurt that "Don't I" is a flawless master-fucking-piece and that my other husband (don't tell C.A.P) and future father of my bastard children sings like a fucking angel. Chunji, just make a home under my bed and stay there forever. You don't need to be a successful kpop star!

*Ricky trying to sing along to the loud backing track, I CAN'T! It's too perf!*

OMG, the best hidden gem though is "Oh Good!" - IT IS SO GOOD! It sounds a lot like "Rocking" but I don't give no shits. My shits bank has been over-drafted and I don't plan on paying the madafakin' bank fees.

If you live in the US or anywhere, buy this album if your country has iTunes because the songs are flawfree, the album isn't though, you better fucking pay for it. They're not gonna become the next 'NSYNC by the fucking miracle of life.

ARIANA GRANDE LOOKS ALL SORTS OF HOT IN "BABY I" MUSIC VIDEO!

Ariana Grande is set to destroy every other pop star in the planet this week when her fantastic debut album "Yours Truly"comes out. The already iconic debut album (that brought us the irresistible "The Way") is set to break all first week sales by a Disney / Nickelodeon star and not to mention a couple of singles-artist, album flop bitches.

"Baby I" sees her in a cute girl-next-door type of scenario. She's being cute on top of a car, she's being cute dancing with some hot guys around her, she's being cute trying to get down and durty. She's being cute. But also, the soon to be singer of the 21st Century, brought some sexy meat to this picnic. She's seen in really tight and small shorts and shirts. 

OMG SHE IS TINY AS FUCK. GURL, go eat a burger! Damn.

"Baby I" hasn't hit the high that "The Way" did, but once this video gets some YouTube clips and a couple of parodies, you will hear this everywhere.

AND, can we just talk about those iconic, non-repetitive lyrics? She is bring that A game here, non of that dumb-lyric shit, okay, don't get it twisted!

Now, go like this, thumbs it up, share it on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram. Wherever the fuck you go to share your shit and go buy "Yours Truly" on iTunes now madafakaz.

SELENA GOMEZ "LOVE WILL REMEMBER" IS FLAWLESS!

Selena Gomez is not playing games this time around. After ditching her "Scene" band and blossoming into the Pop Princess she was always destined to be, every single song has been perfect. "Come and Get It" went #6 on the Hot 100 and gave her her first #2 Top 40 Radio hit. With "Stars Dance" only a couple of weeks away, a new song titled "Love Will Remember" has leaked and it's perfection.

It's really rare for Selena's songs to leak, but, this era has been great for us. It started with "Forget Forever" (which actually made the final tracklisting, thank god!) and now we have another demo leak. 

"Love Will Remember" is probably about her on-and-off boyfriend Justin Bieber and it starts with this cute little voice mail where the guy calls her all sorts of cute things and tells her how amazing she is. I detect no lies. 

The song is a little bit slower than the previous songs, but, it's a good thing. I need some time to unwind after all that pussy popping from "C&GI", "Forget Forever" and "Slow Down." My body parts need a break! 

I love "LWR" I think it's a good song, it's catchy, it's cute, it's Selena being cute for once this era. Home girl has vamped up the sex this era and I need me some Alex Russo flashbacks, which this gives me. Now, all I need though is for this album to come out already. I can't fucking wait any longer!

Selena you are my princess!

Pre-order "Stars Dance" on iTunes now bitches!

The Unexpected Return Of Nick Clow

A couple of days ago, I profiled Luciana's stylist. Today it's her husband's turn. Apart from making the Queen of Clubs an honest woman, Nick Clow is also a successful songwriter - he co-writes with Luci - and a former R&B crooner turned accidental dance dynamo. It's a bit complicated but the silver fox had a brief and incredibly underrated solo career in the late '90s under the pseudonym Blood. I liked and bought (see below) his music at the time but it didn't quite click with radio and his (rather amazing, as it turns out) debut album was never released. It's a pity but there is a happy ending to this story. He bagged a hot wife, wrote a killer track for Kylie and is now back with a top 40 Australian club smash.

Last year Nick was asked to write the topline for a Vandalism track. You might remember they had a big pop hit in 2006 with "Never Say Never" (still sounds great, actually) before focusing on the club scene. Well, when they heard Mr Clow's vocal on the demo, they decided to keep it. And I can understand why. It sounds absolutely brilliant. "Anywhere Else Tonight" is a dance track with huge crossover potential. The radio edit is one of my favourite songs of the year and I think the man formerly known as Blood might have just beaten his misses at her own game with this one.

Check out "Anywhere Else Tonight" below and download it now from iTunes.

David Burgoyne - The Creative Force Behind Luciana

 

I've profiled a lot of different pop stars on this site over the years but never anyone from the team behind them. My bad. Now more than ever, music is a visual medium. Like it or not but style and image counts - making artistic types like David Burgoyne an essential part of the creative process. The hirsute Brit has been working with Luciana for the best part of two decades. He looks after her luscious locks, helps choose her outfits and films her every move for documentaries. Together they make a formidable team. Here's what Luciana's gay husband has to say about working with the Queen of Clubs and his other creative endeavors. 

How did you get into styling Hair?
I always wanted to work in fashion. Ever since I was little I used to be fascinated with Hollywood and the stars of the '50s and '60s. I was addicted to the glamour, so it was only natural I would go toward hair and styling. I had a few false starts with my career but once I decided to train to be a hairdresser it all fell into place.

You're best know for your long association with dance diva Luciana. How did you meet?
Luciana came into Toni and Guy one day, where I was working. She pulled her hair out of a scrunchy and said "if you could do anything with my hair what would you do?" I thought she was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. She had amazing long dark wavy hair. I tied her hair back up in the scrunchy and said "nothing, it's perfect as it is!" She loved my reaction and told me she liked my style. Two weeks later I chopped all her off and dyed it black and white for the British Hairdressing Awards. She was always up for anything I wanted to do.

Can you explain the intense connection you have with her?
Our birthdays are the 22nd and 23rd of June. We always say we are like the same person. We kind of know how the other one thinks, it's always been this way. In nearly 20 years we have never fallen out, even when we go on tour and share the same space. We just seem to co-exist happily together. We always joke that I am her gay husband. I knew right away that she was my muse. She loved my ideas and loved the way I did her hair, so she was totally trusting. It still feels like we are kids and playing dress up.  

How has Luciana's look evolved over the years?
It has evolved in many ways over the years, Depending on fashion and what suits her. The one thing that always keeps it together has been her color. She suits being dark, it just goes with her Italian features. We started off quite punky, travelled through rock chic and paid tribute to the '50s and '60s glamour along the way. We keep coming back to a fringe (or bangs as they say in the States) because it's something that really suits her face.

How do you keep her look fresh and cutting edge?
I think by trying not to follow fashion and do what makes us happy always ensures she is cutting edge. We are not afraid to go against the grain, if ever I think things are too commercial, I steer far away.

What was Luci's best look?
For me it has to be the short sharp Louise Brooks style bob with bangs she wore for the "Bow Wow Wow" video. It was so dramatic and really suited her features.

Do you look back on any hair styles or outfits in horror?
No, I love all of Luci's looks. I know that sounds corny but it's true. Saying that we were bored in Russia once on tour and I let her talk me into giving her curls. She looked like a prostitute but it made us laugh!

Who else have you worked with?
I have been so busy with Luciana for so many years that I haven't worked with many other celebrities. I guess the most famous has to be the legendary Betty White. I styled the entire video for Luciana and Betty's duet "I'm still Hot". I nearly died when I saw her step out in the velour leisure suit with the silver bling. Yes, it was me that put Betty White in silver converse. She loved them and asked to keep the suit and shoes. What could I say, I wanted to sell them on eBay but I had to let her keep them!

You're also a budding filmmaker - what have you worked on lately?
I've just finished a behind-the-scenes film called "When Luciana met Cazwell". Basically following Luci and Cazwell when the shot their promo for "Guess What". I'm always working on something. I get so much out of film making. It's so satisfying.

What's next for you?
I want to stay in the States. I want to marry my boyfriend when it becomes legal. I'm going to keep on making art in film and photography with Luciana. As Luciana's career evolves, mine does too. I want to work on my love for film making. I'd like to say that my next phase will involve film but for now its still hair. It's what I do best.

CALVIN HARRIS AND ELLIE GOULDING'S BEST SONG "I NEED YOUR LOVE" GETS A MAGICAL MUSIC VIDEO!

 

"I Need Your Love" is easily the best song off of Calvin's latest album. I have been dying for it to get the single treatment but my body wasn't ready for this amazing video. Calvin's video are usually not the best but daaaaaaamn, this is seriously great.

The first thing you see here is Ellie being all cute and sexy and naked playing with some sheets being all hella sexy.

Is that Calvin? Because if it is, I want him, for breakfast, lunch, snack and dinner. The whole video is really cute and sexy with most of the scenes being shot as a self-camera type thing. Ellie looks amazing in this video. Maybe it's because I've never paid attention but she is smoking hot.

"I Need Your Love" is now available on iTunes. GO BUY IT!

Laura Imbruglia Pioneers Werewolf Pop With 'Awoooh!'

I'm convinced that I was related to Laura Imbruglia in a past life - such is our undeniable spiritual connection. We were probably dowdy sisters in Victorian England, spending mind-numbingly grey days doing needle point while secretly hoping to be ravished by a kitchenhand. Who, in turn, only had eyes for the buxom scullery maid. Fuck our (past) lives! So why am I ranting about my soul sister? Well, she's back with the second taste of her third album.

At least I think so. "Why'd You Have To Kiss Me So Hard" turned the music industry upside down way back in 2011 - so I'm not sure if that's part of her latest opus or just a random recording. Not that it matters because her new single is infinitely better. "Awoooh!" is quirkier than Parker Posey's filmography. A lilting rockabilly anthem that establishes werewolf-pop as a bonafide genre, the demented gem is quintessential LI with its deceptively catchy chorus and clever lyrics. I particularly love the line about watching your phone "like Santa's sack".

For the full "Awoooh!" experience, watch the big budget - by Laura's standards - video below. I love the stunning effects lesbian horror angle and elaborate choreography. Natalie who?

10/10

PSY'S "GENTLEMAN" MUSIC VIDEO IS REALLY FUNNY!

 

Psy has a lot to live up to. He had one of the catchiest song of 2012, undoubtedly the most listened song in history and the most watched video in history, your favez accomplishments are out the door. So when he announced that his follow up single was going to finally be released, there is a lot of expectations.

Sonically, the song is a mixture of "Gangnam Style" and 2NE1's "I Am The Best". Lyrically it's "Gangnam Style 2.0" but with more repetitive lyrics. 

The swag has been upped a notch and so has the cursing (one word, damn). One thing that the song isn't missing though is the catchy and addictive lyrics. It's so catchy. The instrumental is also pretty good in my opinion. I listen to a lot of KPOP so I'm used to this, but, you American folk might find this a little bit weird because.... it's in Korean and whatnot.

The music video premiered today and it is everything. It's really funny and gay. Let me explain the gay parts. There's a scene in the video where it looks like these three guys are humping each other and then there's girls dancing on top of girls. Super gay, but, I mean, I'm obviously ok with it. The funny parts are funny, not in a "Gangnam Style" way but in a Jackass way. Where "GS" was funny and sort of a parody, "G" is just straight up rude and crude. He farts in his hand and then puts his hand in someone's face. He pulls people's chairs and throws kids' soccer balls. I mean, the dude is a fucking mess.

Obviously this would not be a follow up if it didn't have a sexy lady, which it does. This time around the job is for. Here's a pic.

 

*Not from the actual video, but, you are very welcome.*

Ok, I'm back. So Ga-In who is actually sexy for being sexy and she's actually a talented singer, songwriter, dancer and part time stripper, looks fucking sexy as fuck in this video. Towards the end they kind of fall in love (with Psy) because she starts pulling pranks on him as well and well that's what true love is.

The choreography, after reading a couple of comments I do see the similarities between this and "Abracadabra" (funnily enough that is one of Ga-In's group's songs) but the other part of the choreo, the side horse dance is fierce.

I'm very happy with the music video. I think it's funny and different, but, at the same time it still got that parody feel to it. Many will say this isn't as good as "Gangnam Style" and well, that might be right. "Gangnam Style" was new, it was funny because no one had done it, it was in a way inventive, so realistically speaking, nothing will ever top that.

The video already has over a 250K 4.2 MILLION views so... Alagamun-lan!

Buy "Gentleman" on iTunes now bitches! Give Psy his much deserved Hot 100 #1! 

*The "Gangnam Style" yellow suit dude makes a HILARIOUS cameo.*

KE$HA'S "PRETTY LADY" AND "WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME" LEAK!

 

It is not Ke$ha's week. First her "Woohoo" leaked and now we have "What The Hell Is Wrong With Me" and "Pretty Lady". That last one though sounds very fan-made, but, it's the first time yall have heard the full version (I think)

"What The Hell..." is right, poor Ke$ha. "WTHIWWM" is a very old demo she probably will never use but "Pretty Lady" was meant for "Warrior" and after a clip leaked ages ago, the song was scrapped which is sad because the full song is fab.

I don't like "What The Hell..." because it's just old and gross so I"m gonna focus on "Pretty Lady" I love "Pretty Lady" I like the vibe, I like the vocals and I like the lyrics. "Shake that ass, girl!"

It's too bad that "Pretty Lady" was not added to "Warrior", I can actually see this song doing mildly well on the charts. The fact it features a drag queen, that the song is about a drag queens and that she's somewhat of a gay icon would have definitely given this song some spins at the clubs. 

Here's hoping it goes on the a future re-release because K$ really needs a hit right now.

"I'm a real woman!"

SELENA GOMEZ (AKA GODLENA GODMEZ) 'S NEW SINGLE "COME & GET IT" IS A MASTERPIECE SENT FROM HEAVEN!

 

When the wrongly titled "Rule The World" leaked, I thought Selena had peaked, but, I was wrong and that could not be the most wonderful thing ever. "Come & Get It" leaked last night and as a result the song was released on iTunes at midnight. OMG It's so good!

Since the song leaked yesterday I have listened to it 43 times to be very exact. I am completely obsessed with this song. 

I am totally digging the Indian / dubstep mash-up. It's not the freshest lemon in the grocery store but it's seriously infectious. Give Godlena your lemons, she will make a great lemonade! LemonadeLena tbh. 

Besides the infectious instrumental, the song itself is catchy as fuck.

"When you ready, come and get it

(na na na na naaaaa

na na na na na naaaa

na na na na na naaaa)

When you ready come and get it

(na na na na naaaaa

na na na na na naaaa

na na na na na naaaa)

When you re-eh-eh-eh-eh-ehh

When you re-eh-eh-eh-eh-ehh

 When you ready, come and get it

(na na na na naaaaa

na na na na na naaaa

na na na na na naaaa)"

Who writes this shit?!?!?!?! It is seriously stuck in my head. I seriously have walked around all day today singing that hook. It's probably the most addictive hook ever. Probably is an understatement, it is the most infectious thing ever. 

On top of the naughty hook, Slutlena tells her man that he has an open invitation (her legs), that she's gonna wait patient (submissive bitch), she says she can't stop because she loves it (again, submissive bitch is submissive). She then says "all day, all night" (insatiable slut) and that she maybe is addictive, maybe? Have you heard yourself, gurl? You are obsessed with the dick. "no lie" is correct.

So obviously I love the lyrics. I love this song, I love this era already. Selena, in my pants, now.

Your favez might as well retire now because she's gonna be snatching more weaves than a ghetto salon.

Godlena thanks you for your time.

Be a good whore and go buy "Come & Get It" on iTunes now!

"Let me get that, and baby once I get it, I'm yours, no take backs"

Beyoncé Unveils Pepsi Commercial & New Song 'Grown Woman'

About half an hour ago Beysus parted the heavens and beamed down her long-awaited Pepsi commercial, simultaneously debuting a snippet of a new single called "Grown Woman". I've been waiting so long for this that I didn't know what to expect. Probably not King B dressing up in old costumes and grinding in front of a mirror like that bitch from Flashdance but, fuck it, I'll take it.

While I'm not particularly fussed about the commercial (I prefer the one she did with J Lo), the song is something else. At a time when the rest of the game is churning out the same generic shit, Bey unveils a percussion-heavy, tribal chant and gives no fucks if you don't like it or, more likely, don't get it.

For me, "Grown Woman" picks up where "Run The World (Girls)" and "Countdown" left off. It's noisy. It's disjointed. It takes a few listens to get your head around. But then you just need more. I'm currently staring at iTunes the way Adele glares at an all you can eat buffet. The hunger is positively primeval.

This is urban music for the Odd Future crowd, polished to perfection for mainstream consumption. I have no idea what radio or the ratchet gays that dictate iTunes popularity will make of it and I really don't care. If Beyoncé wanted an album full of generic club bangers, producers would be serving them up to her on a silver platter.

My fave does what she wants. She'll just keep on winning at life while the rest of us deal. Now let me watch the ad on repeat and calculate how many minutes until I see The Mrs Carter Show in the States. Good night and keep stanning.

Carmen Electra & The Best Song Of 2013

I haven't heard a second of Carmen Electra's new jam but I'm sure we can all agree that it's, more than likely, going to be the best song of the year. If not of all time. Take the stunning title and eye-popping cover art. The Baywatch babe is coming for skulls after snatching wigs like a drag queen on meth with the amazing "I Like It Loud", which became a well-deserved club hit in the States. No doubt the ravishing diva will own nightclubs from Brisbane to Beirut when her new single drops. I can't wait!

Fall In Love With Jordyn Taylor. Again.

Jordyn Taylor's claim to fame is appearing on the best soundtrack of all time. Of course, I'm talking about Confessions Of A Shopaholic. That opus features Lady Gaga (covering Heidi Montag!), not one but two doses of Kat DeLuna, iconic flops Jessie James and Adrienne Bailon - and this cutie. The Asian American diva was only 16 when she was signed to Interscope and briefly had the blogs buzzing when she hit the studio with super-producers like Darkchild and Stargate.

Things didn't really work out for the teenager and the next time she popped up on my radar was in 2011, when she hit #1 on a random Japanese chart with a song about wearing wigs. I'm not joking. Well, Jordyn dropped her sophomore album - her debut was a Japan only release - a couple of weeks ago and it quickly became my new obsession.  

Shine is first great pure pop album of 2013. While the mid-tempo songs sound like a cross between Stacie Oricco and Mandy Moore (a massive compliment, by the way!), the real gems are the high-camp dance anthems. My favourite is the glorious "Take You Home", which is what Katy Perry would sound like if she morphed into Carly Rae Jepsen and traveled back in time to a 1977 roller disco for inspiration, but "Arigato" and "It's VABENE" come a close second.

The latter has been selected as Shine's second single and it's hard to argue with the logic. "It's VABENE" - a bastardization of Italian term "va bene" - is so ruthlessly perky and well-intentioned, you can't help but be swept along in Jordyn's sparkly cloud of good cheer. And did I mention that it features DJ Hello Kitty? When will your fave?

The video (below) is a frothy, feelgood adventured that finds our heroine partying with a group of her best friends - and Hello Kitty. I particularly love how her pals give her a makeover with a pair of scissors. Could no one lend her an outfit? This shit gives me so much life.

Ariana Grande Is The New Teen Queen

Victoria Justice and Jasmine V are probably doing shots off the hood of a car somewhere in the dark heart of Los Angeles right now, sobbing on each others' shoulders and screaming "fuck my life!" to random passersby. On the other side of town, Selena Gomez is begging Justin to make a sextape to promote her new album. A couple of blocks away Demi Lovato is parked outside McDonald's meticulously sterilizing her razor with a cigarette lighter, while Bridgit Mendler sits inside, building up the courage to ask for a job application. What has thrown the current crop of teen queens into such a tailspin? Two words. Ariana Grande.

My only exposure to the Nickelodeon star until now has been her contribution to the Victorious soundtrack. I knew she could sing but I wasn't expecting her to drop anything as good as "The Way" and definitely didn't expect it to shoot to number one on US iTunes within hours of release. Ariana has broken through faster and more comprehensively than any of the girls mentioned above and they must be concerned. There's only room for one Queen and this new bitch means business.

It only takes one listen to understand the appeal of "The Way". It's a blatant Mariah Carey rip off that harks back to the late '90s when production took a back seat to vocal ability. I had no idea Ariana had pipes like this. She has real talent and chooses the perfect vehicle to show it off. Produced by Harmony Samuels, an English producer who has crafted hits for Chris Brown, Ne-Yo and Nas, the track sounds like it was lifted straight from Mimi's Butterfly album. It's a subtle mid-tempo pop song with the slightest sheen of urban credibility thanks to Mac Miller, who tones his usual act down with an age appropriate rap.

While I still prefer Demi's epic "Heart Attack" and live for Selena's reed thin vocals, there's no denying that Ariana Grande has arrived in true diva style. "The Way" is a great single that avoids most of the overproduced teen pop cliches. She even gets the cute and colourful video (below) right, having the world's tamest party with Mac Miller. Why is she twirling around in a room full of balloons like a 12-year-old? Where's the keg? These are questions for another day but it's kind of nice that she's not twerkin' like a stripper.

9/10

Why Spain Is The Cradle Of Human Civilisation

You know, I thought I had scraped the bottom of the pop barrel several times on this blog over the past eight years with tranny divas and fisting anthems but María Lapiedra reaches a previously unimagined new low with, quite possibly, the most terrible song and video ever shat out by a thirsty attention whore. And by terrible, I obviously mean amazing! So who is this hot fucking mess? I don't really know and, to be honest, I'm scared to find out. I already love her like a mother and I'm afraid I will lose all self-control if I witness any more of her despicable antics.

All you really need to know is that your new favourite vocalist is an ex-porn actress who releases a new song every Summer to uphold Spain's rich cultural heritage. This year's offering is called "Maribombo" and is utterly horrendous from beginning to end. My Spanish is pretty bad but I think María is singing about the joys of being pregnant when she squeaks "algo se mueve en mi interior, no es una polla es otra sensación" - literally "something's moving inside me, it's not a dick but another sensation". I can't think of a nicer way to describe the miracle of childbirth. Hallmark, please put this touching sentiment on a card.

But the Spanish siren's words of wisdom don't end there. I think she's talking about hand jobs and cum but those topics never covered that in my semester of Mexican studies, so I'm only guessing. The video, or the best film since Citizen Kane as I like to call it, makes the dubious subject matter fairly obvious. We get to watch the heavily pregnant icon dance in a club, writhe on the bar and give birth. Oh and there's a random white man in black face just so there's something to offend everyone.

Watch below and join me in preparing for the end of days because this is surely confirmation that they Mayans were right.

Iggy Azalea Can Stay

About a year ago I wrote an article for Idolator about rising Australian pop stars. It was actually quite difficult to piece together because, let's be honest, the vast majority of local acts have a better chance of winning lotto than making the slightest ripple in America. Iggy appeared to be the glaring exception. She was already hyped as the next big thing and had a hotly anticipated major label debut album on the way. But it never came.

Instead, Mullumbimby's finest expert began modelling and soon fell into mixtape hell. She basically became Cassie with an Australian accent and lighter tan. That's when I stopped checking for Iggy. It was like she had been exposed as a gimmick and the whole world had finally woken up to it.

But this bitch is a fighter and proved me very wrong. The blond bombshell signed a new deal in the UK and scalped hoes with the sheer quality of her official debut single. Azealia Banks and Angel Haze are now the rap chicks with something to prove. Iggy has already delivered above and beyond expectations.

"Work" is such an impressive achievement. It took a couple of listens to click with me but now I'm completely obsessed and play the hypnotic jam at least 10 times a day. The production (courtesy of The Invisible Men and 1st Down) is spot on and Iggy's flow is slicker than ever but its real greatness lies in its authenticity.

The catchy track basically tells the diva's life story. The catchy track references the red sand of her hometown, the line about scrubbing floors is a nod to her stint as a cleaner, she raps about her move to America, that disastrous first record deal and the judgement she receives as a white, non-American rapper. It's honest and strangely universal. All of a sudden I like Iggy. She's a bad bitch.

And then there's the video (below). Who paid for this glorious extravaganza? Madonna is filming clips on her iPhone while a relative unknown gets a beautiful Jonas & François-directed opus that references Death Proof and, adorably, The Adventures Of Priscilla Queen Of The Desert.

It's audaciously cinematic and reminiscent of old school Missy Elliott with its bright colour palette. Most importantly, Iggy looks like a star. Her body is ridiculous and the styling is fantastic. I don't care how this performs on the charts. It's brilliant. Iggy can stay.

9/10

Belinda Carlisle's Triumphant Return

Isn't this photo flawless? That fur. Those cheekbones. Sure, it might be a couple of decades old but Belinda hasn't aged a day since 1983 - so I think I can get away with it. If you don't follow the iconic diva on Twitter, you might not be aware that she is embarking on a major comeback, releasing her first US single in 15 years.

It came as a surprise to me too. I knew the yoga addict had been working on new music for what felt like an eternity but "Sun" seemingly dropped from the heavens and landed on iTunes with little fanfare.

The, as it turns out, pleasantly contemporary dance-pop tune was produced by frequent Dannii collaborator Ian Masterson and is distinctly amazing. "Sun" is a synth-drenched floorfiller that sounds better than 95% of the shit currently polluting radio. I love that Belinda has bequeathed her loyal army of gays with something they will actually want to listen to - without sacrificing her own personality.

There's something peculiarly authentic about "Sun". That voice is unmistakeable and the chorus could have been lifted from any of her late '80s albums but it's more than that. You can take the girl out of Cali but there's something undeniably chilled and breezy about Belinda's music that is quintessentially West Coast.

"Sun" is lifted from a new greatest hits compilation, which has just been released on US iTunes. Belinda has promised an international release in May - along with more new stuff. In the meantime, check out her glorious dance anthem below. Let the Carlisle revival start here.