Where the fuck is Beyoncé's new single?

Back off, Hive. This pic is everything to me!

At first I was highly amused that King B did Super Bowl just for the fuck of it. Who else delivers a devastatingly brilliant performance on the world's biggest stage without having something to hawk? That is some boss shit and it's a revelation to see an artist not chasing promo the way Juicy J hunts ratchet pussy. But then things started to get weird. It felt odd that Beyoncé would sit down with Oprah and unveil her critically-acclaimed, cinema-changing documentary with no announcement of a new single. But the announcement of tour dates and subsequent ticket-selling frenzy confirmed new material was on the horizon. Right?

Well, the Mrs Carter Show kicks off in Serbia - could your fave? - next month and we don't have as much as the title of a new song. Let alone a new album. At the moment it feels like we're going to get the 4 world tour, which is fine with me, but would probably annoy some classless punters. The thing is we know she's been in the studio and radio stations have been advised that a new single is imminent. But how is she going to promote it when she's slaying the former Yugoslavia? You have to do the rounds these days. Bey just can't perform on one show and then disappear for a couple of months. Actually, the 17-time Grammy winner can do whatever the fuck she wants - as long as she's happy with an underperforming lead single.

I have faith in my lord and saviour Beyoncé Giselle Carter Knowles and I'm sure she has a plan. I just don't want another debacle like the 4 era when the lead single was thrown on iTunes a month before the video dropped and her two-day promo blitz began. If she pulls that shit again, I'll drag her myself. Anyway, let's all watch the jaw-droppingly amazing Mrs Carter Show advert again and bask in the Queen's flawlessness.

Timebomb Is Officially Forgiven - Kylie Slays Once Again!

I've been writing this blog since 2006. And even if you've only dropped by a couple of times over the last 8 years - two things should be clear by now. I really like Beyoncé and Kylie Minogue. The former has been getting a lot of coverage lately but I've been suffering from major fan fatigue with the Australian pop deity. Aphrodite was pleasant enough but the single choices were absolutely repellant and then she wasted everyone's time with that heinous Abbey Road Sessions bullshit and released the worst single of her glorious 25 year career with "Timebomb". I just needed a break.

But then a funny thing happened. I hired Holy Motors on a whim a couple of weeks ago and watched in awe as Kylie turned in her best screen performance since playing a junkie whore in Sample People. Her star turn was absolutely compelling and I sat through the damn movie another three times trying to work out what the fuck was going on. I still have no idea but it's highly recommended! Next came the Roc Nation deal and news that she is hooking up with the likes of Fernando Garibay on her new album - a fantastic development after slumming it with British hacks for far too long. And then I stumbled across "Whistle".

I feel like I've fallen into a parallel universe where time stood still and I'm stuck in 1998. You know the era when Kylie revolutionised pop by singing about fonts with Towa Tei. Only instead of exploring Japanese pop decades before it became trendy, Bey's new BFF is getting down with Icelandic folktronica outfit Múm on a contribution to the Jack and Diane soundtrack - a film, if I'm not mistaken, about lesbian werewolves. What in the name of Dannii's sold-out K-mart range is going on? And why is it so fucking amazing?

"Whistle" is obviously not single material - it begins with the line "I bleed like a pig" - but it is absolutely gorgeous. Imagine if Enya smoked peyote and then tried to cover Bjork for some idea of the demented, ambient magic that unwinds over the next six, languid minutes of aural perfection. This is so different and so beautiful. Just what I needed to get interested in Kylie again before she returns with a pitch-perfect pop album later this year and sets fire to Madonna's dusty wig once and for all. I love this.

Queen Bey Wins 17th Grammy

Fresh from her all-conquering Super Bowl performance, Queen B deigned to bless the Grammys with her divine presence earlier today. Not only did the fashion icon snatch every wig on the red carpet by wearing her gym pants, she also took home her 17th Grammy when "Love On Top" (below) was named Best Traditional R&B Recording. When will your redundant fave?

It's a truly astonishing achievement. God's chosen vessel only has four albums to her credit. None of us are worthy! The lastest addition to legendary diva's award cabinet is particularly sweet given the treatment 4 received last year. It's nice to see that the world is finally waking up to its brilliance. I wonder how many Grammys her new album will take home.

Kylie Signs To Roc Nation

None of us saw this coming! Earlier today Roc Nation confirmed Kylie had joined their register of artists that currently includes Rihanna and her replacement, Rita Ora. It was shocking for a number of reasons. Firstly, because Kylie "retired" from music to concentrate on acting less than a month ago and, let's face it, the pop legend had all but admitted that was over trying to make it in America. After I got my head around the move, I started to get excited. Jay Z made a non-entity like Ms Fenty a star, so he should be able to do great things with the Australian superstar.

And the prospect of her working with American producers instead of the same old, boring cunts in Britain is exciting. "Timebomb" was the absolute nadir of her career, so the only way is up. I doubt they will push an urban sound on her but if they do, at least she'll get access to a better rapper than Mims (below). And to be honest, I love Kylie's previous attempts at capturing a more American sound. Body Language is one of my favourite albums of all time! Anyway, we don't have long to wait until we hear the next step in the evolution of Dannii's slightly more successful sister.

Billboard announced that a new single is on the way in a couple of weeks. Join me in praying it's a not a "Timebomb" remix featuring Juicy J and 2 Chainz!

Beyoncé Has A Top 10 Smash... In Fiji!

While your played-out faves are rushing around Tokyo and London trying to promote their flop careers, Beyoncé is effortlessly slaying the South Pacific. That sound you hear is King B adding to her wig collection. This is so random. I was switching between US and Australian iTunes and must have clicked a wrong button somewhere because I ended up in fucking Fiji. At first I just laughed because a boring song from The Hobbit is number one but then looked closer and realised that Fijians have amazing taste. Ke$ha and Icona Pop are top 5 and Bey's R&B smash is sitting pretty at number 7 (let's just ignore the presence of R. Kelly's decade old hit). Mad respect to this flawless nation! I'm so glad "Dance For You" is getting the attention it deserves... somewhere. A year later and it's still my favourite jam. Watch Bey work her wig below.

Nicole Scherzinger unveils high budget 'Boomerang' promo

"Boomerang" is happening after all! Praise Jesus! The future smash was originally due to hit UK radio on January 7 but was pushed back to accomodate Ms Scherzinger's Hawaiian holiday. For a while there I feared it would end up in the same box of broken dreams that currently houses Killer Love and Her Name Is Nicole. Happily, we have a new release date - January 24 - and some era-defining publicity!

To ensure the song's success, the only relevant Pussycat Doll invested in a Sharpie and wrote a sign on a scrap of cardboard. She then took a pic of her exquisite handiwork with a mobile phone and posted it on Twitter. Could Lady Gaga? I'm so here for Nicole's new club-banger. I love the preview and the video looks incredible. Watch 15 seconds of the clip below.

Nicole Scherzilegend Previews Boomerang

Nicole Scherzinger is on the verge of pulling off the most daring plan in the history of popular music. Let me take you through it step-by-step:

1. Make the Pussycat Dolls happen 
2. Spend years recording an eagerly-anticipated solo album 
3. Never release said debut to keep the buzz building 
4. Return to Pussycat Dolls so they don't starve
5. Win Dancing With The Stars to pass the time
6. Record a second amazing solo album 
7. Refuse to release above-mentioned triumph in America to keep them wanting more 
8. Get murdered in random movie sequel for sympathy 
9. Be intentionally exiled to X Factor UK to build international fanbase 
10. Finally release an album, outsell Adele and win 27 Grammys 

So far, so good. I guess it all comes down to "Boomerang" and if the first preview is any indication - Nicky's comeback is a "Don't Hold Your Breath"-sized smash! You can hear 20 seconds of the glorious anthem in the random clip below. The triple threat's latest genre-defining triumph is a synth-heavy club-banger with a distinct '80s twist. I can't wait to hear the song in full. My beautiful Puakenikeni will finally have her day in the sun. Mark my words!

Beyoncé Unveils Pepsi Campaign

To the left, to the left with your played-out faves! King B is getting back to business and she's not messing around. A couple of days ago, I wrote about her stunning comeback plans but she has upped the ante even further by unveiling the first glimpse at her multi-million dollar Pepsi campaign (above). I love the poster - bootylicious doesn't begin to describe it - even though I suspect Beyoncé has never pushed a shopping trolley in her entire life.

In a press release, Pepsi said:

The company has embarked on a hybrid project with Beyoncé that will include standard advertising like commercials as well as a multimillion-dollar fund to support the singer’s chosen creative projects...

Sometime after she performs at the Super Bowl halftime show on Feb. 3 (also sponsored by Pepsi), Beyoncé will appear in a new TV ad — her fifth for the soft drink since 2002 — and her face will be on a limited-edition line of soda cans.

This is where it gets interesting:

The multiyear campaign is estimated at $50 million, the bulk of it for media placements and promotions around the world, and the remainder split roughly equally between Beyoncé’s fee and what Pepsi calls a creative content development fund.

Bey is getting how much money? When will your irrelevant fave throw in the towel and admit defeat? I'm so excited about the cans. As soon as these exquisite works of art hit supermarket shelves, I'm buying ten cartons! While we wait for Beyoncé-mania to grip planet earth next year, check out one of her early commercials for the soft drink giant (below).

Via New York Times

Please Donate To The 'Save Nicole Scherzinger's Career' Charity Fund

With Nicole Scherzinger preparing to end your fave's career with her future smash "Boomerang", I thought it would be timely to shine a light on the MIB3 star's shocking plight. After blowing her Pussycat-millions on RedOne's production fee for the critically-acclaimed album track "Club Banger Nation", the pop legend fell on hard times. Not only was Nicky forced to appear on X Factor like a common flop, she also had to sell the rights to Her Name Is Nicole - which sparked an intense bidding war in the Central African Republic.

Now that the Hawaiian diva is finally back on her feet, it's time we showed our appreciation by sending Killer Love straight to number one. If you need any further convincing, watch this unintentionally hysterical promo interview from mid-2011 below. Nicole randomly bursting into an acapella rendition of "AmenJena" around the 2:50 minute mark is comedy gold. This can not be real life! Anyway, help make a difference to one woman's world by purchasing the best non-released (in certain territories) album of last year.

Buy Warrior Or Get Eaten By Ke$ha's Vagina!

Warrior is the best pop album of 2012 - nothing else comes close. Buy Lady Dolla's triumphant sophomore set or face the wrath of her hungry vagina (above), which recently terrified concert-goers in Sweden. Make sure to get the deluxe version. The bonus tracks blow my mind! I'm putting the finishing touches on my review - so stay tuned.

STOP PRESS: Nicole Scherzinger Is Finally Going To Happen

She's baaaaack!

Lock up your faves! Nicole Scherzinger is back for her third crack at solo stardom and this time it's really going to happen. No, really!

I'm so excited I can hardly speak. The prettiest Puakenikeni in pop is such an underrated talent. Her Name Is Nicole is the best album never released and Killer Love deserved a lot more respect than it received. I still listen to tracks like "Don't Hold Your Breath", "Say Yes", "You Will Be Loved" and "Try With Me" on a daily basis. Hell, I even blast "AmenJena" on occasion!

I'm hopeful things will be different this time. For starters, Nicole is now a critically-acclaimed actress and the veteran of multiple talent shows on different continents. She has this in the bag! The Pussycat Doll triple threat is returning with a new single called "Boomerang" in late December - watch it sell out on iTunes. Given the title I'm hoping for an Australian influence. I'll even dust off my thunder sticks for the video.

While we wait for Nicky to revolutionise pop music yet again, check out this amazing live performance of an unreleased track called "Pretty". The song was utter perfection. Only Queen Nicole could record something this flawless and still have it never see the light of day. Could your fave?

Lock Up Your Faves - Cher Is Back!

Words can not describe what this song is doing to me right now so I'll keep it short. Cher just unleashed the first taste of her forever-in-the-making 26th studio album and it's everything I was hoping for and more. "Woman's World" is basically "Strong Enough 2012", which is fine with me. I love that she's staying true to the gays by releasing ridiculous dance music with lyrics about burning up the club. She's 66! Is she singing about an RSL? More excitingly, the living legend has obviously worked with some decent producers because "Woman's World" sounds fresh and fabulous. I'm not sure if this is the lead single or just a buzz track but who cares? It's a fitting return for the evergreen diva and proof that she can still slay all our faves without trying. Welcome back!