The 15 Worst Videos Of 2012

Let the fun continue! Much like my worst albums countdown, choosing the shittest music videos of the year was like shooting fish in a barrel. I don't know what happened to the art of the music in 2012. Lana Del Rey was the only bitch that actually gave a fuck. The rest of game just opted for cheap and cheerful trash. Although, as these offenders prove, even that can be hard to pull off. I tried not to be swayed by low budgets and bad production values for independent acts and newcomers. However, the big names did not get off so easy.

So here goes. These are the year's 15 most pointless MVs:

15. I Heart You - Toni Braxton (Video)

I stan for this broke bitch - and actually rather like this song - but her "I Heart You" video is unforgivable. Toni looks like a mental patient as she poses in a bunch of unflattering outfits while dancers half her age cavort in front of some kind of budget green screen. It would have been less embarrassing if she sat on the toilet and hand-danced like Kylie.

14. Crazy - Ricki-Lee (Video)

Sometimes I think it's impossible to make a decent music video in Australia. Ricki-Lee's label actually spent money on "Crazy" and ended up with a virtuoso display of bad photography, worse styling and embarrassing choreography. It didn't help that the star of the show was almost unrecognizable with unflattering blond hair and a selection of outfits picked up from the Tool Shed.  

13. Rocks Off - Daniel Bendingfield (Video)

Now don't get me wrong. I'm all for pop stars flashing their dicks in music videos - Frank Ocean, you're up next! - but dressing up an obvious cry for attention as some kind of edgy art piece is beyond insincere. Who could have guessed that Daniel would turn out to be the thirstiest diva in the game?  

12. Echo - Foxes (Video)

Foxes is one of the most promising female artists on the planet. I love every song she has released - including this one - but just can't get past the idiotic video. She looks absolutely demented sitting there with an eye mask over her forehead and the whole love-affair-with-a-crash-test-dummy storyline made me want to pull my eyes from their socket. An epic fail on every level.  

11. Waiting On You - Michelle Williams and Ultra Nate (Video)

I wasn't expecting "Telephone" but this has to be a pisstake, no?  

10. Do It Like That - Ricki-Lee (Video)

Ricki-Lee struck out again with this shocker. A cheap but not cheerful "Crazy In Love" rip-off that looks like it was filmed for $10 on someone's iPhone. That budget also covered the Supre fashion and five minute dance lesson that someone gave the former Young Diva before filming.  

9. Give Me All Your Luvin' - Madonna (Video)

Madonna did it for the kids on "Give Me All Your Luvin'" and made herself look twice as old in the process. For every good idea - the pram is funny - there's a ridiculous scene like the shenanigans in the vodka bar. And what's with Nicki and MIA? The latter looks absolutely miserable - as if she could sense her credibility melting away in front of her very eyes.

8. Call My Name - Cheryl Cole (Video)

I'm not even going to lie. "Call My Name" is the best song Cheryl has ever released and I grew to love it despite her terrible vocal. Which makes this video all the more annoying. Why would you give a club song the urban video treatment? More importantly, what is with this choreography? Chezza looks like she's been struck with epilepsy. Embarrassing.

7. Beauty And A Beat - Justin Bieber and Nicki Minaj (Video)

So 43-year-old Nicki Minaj hangs out at a children's waterpark "rapping" about a teenager's "wiener" and nobody bats at eyelid? Shame on you all. I'm calling the police.

6. Wildest Dreams - Brandy (Video)

Damn, Brandy. I know times are tough but this is the cheapest video I have ever seen from a mainstream pop star. It looks like rehearsal footage pieced together by an intern using Windows moviemaker. Seriously, why even bother? This was never going to be played on television. What a waste of a good song!  

5. Dancing With A Broken Heart - Delta Goodrem (Video)

I'm really not here to watch this cunt model evening gowns.  

4. Girl Gone Wild - Madonna (Video)

Madonna looks really good in this video. Shame she spends it dancing with a bunch of Ukrainian gays in high heels. I don't understand why Vadge keeps churning out these low budget shockers. She has enough cash to make an amazing video - why not spend it? And please stop pandering to the gays. I know we're the only people who buy her music but it's starting to get uncomfortable. Like an overenthusiastic car salesman.

3. Girl On Fire - Alicia Keys (Video)

It's not every day that someone releases a video so bad that it actually ruins a great song for you. Alicia's "Girl On Fire" is an epic track but apparently it's about fancy wallpaper and doing household chores if this shocker is any indication. So bad it's absolutely mystifying.  

2. Scream & Shout - Britney and will.i.am (Video)

There's really no excuse for how jaw-droppingly bad this video is. Everything about it is second rate. From the special effects to that horrible wig on Britney's head. It's like they were in such a rush to get it out that they filmed it in afternoon and edited it in the taxi on the way back from the studio. Watching this will give you retinal damage.  

1. Pound The Alarm - Nicki Minaj (below)

If you want to watch Nicki shake her fake tits for four minutes, then this is the video for you. Enjoy!

Britney To Tour Australia In July 2013

Britney is in negotiations to mime a one-off show in Australia next year. The extravaganza would take place in July and be part of a series of concerts from high-profile international guests. Also on the promoter's wishlist is Christina Aguilera! "Your Body" live? I would die.

Will.i.am + Britney = The Worst Video Of 2012

Seriously, what is this shit? I feel like I just watched the world's worst commercial for electronic goods. These two fools are all over Twitter carrying on like they just filmed The Matrix and then deliver this green-screen nightmare? BYE. I can't even be bothered reviewing it. Will.i.am looks embarrassed, Britney thinks she's doing a photoshoot for middle-aged women gone wild and the director just wants his name removed from the credits. Deluded Spears fans will love it. The rest of us will just scratch our heads and wonder why Christina is the one with having a career crisis. After all, she's never put her name to anything this tired, lazy and dated.

0/10

Xtina's Legendary AMA Performance

I know I'm late on this but I just had to pay tribute to the best live performance of 2012. Christina Aguilera's Lotus medley shook my world to its very foundations earlier this week. I didn't know whether to laugh, cry or fall to my knees and worship. The performance is such a piping hot mess that it transcends criticism and becomes something quite magical.

There's nothing wrong with Xtina's vocal. She sounded fine and I approve of her eating for two since becoming a TV host. You'd take solace in food too if you had to listen to those cunts on The Voice all day. But what was that outfit? Who is responsible for the Madonna-circa-1997 choreography? And which fuckwit picked the songs?

Christina has only performed "Your Body" once on Jimmy Fallon - acoustically with office supplies, no less. Someone needs to tell the lazy bitch that it's not 2001 anymore. The buzz is gone. She is going to have to work for a hit. The AMAs would have been a nice promo opportunity for the track but she sings the "Lotus intro" instead. What the fuck? And then teams it up with "Army Of Me" and "Let There Be Love". Why not just belt out a "Woo Hoo"/"Vanity" mash-up? It would have been just as relevant.

The performance is infuriating but absolutely mesmerising. I can't get enough of this and pray for a Lotus tour. You just know it will redefine so-wrong-it's-right entertainment for decades to come!

Britney & will.i.am = Big Fat Bass-ics

Is this it? Are you sure it's not an unfinished demo? No? Shit. I can't believe the intern pretending to be Britney on Twitter has been raving about this awful will.i.am collaboration for weeks. A high-profile feature is a good way of regaining some of the ground she lost when Femme Fatale tanked but this is the X Factor judge's worst single since... "Hold It Against Me". I thought it was humiliating for a legend like Nicole Scherzinger to sing about butt injections on another, vastly superior track from #willpower but "Scream & Shout" makes "Hoola Hoop" sound like something from 21. Eva Simons is laughing at both of these bitches right now while taking orders at her local McDonalds.

There's not a lot to say about this mess. I like the beat but it would have been better as an instrumental. The rap is uninspired and Britney sounds like she's leaving a message on someone's answering machine. It's just bad. The annoying thing is that will.i.am knows his way around a good pop song - Fergie's debut album is flawless from beginning to end - and his solo material can be decent (see the aforementioned Eva Simons collab for example). He should have just reworked "Big Fat Bass". At least that had a chorus. Who knows? "Scream & Shout" might be huge. Britney's fans are notoriously undiscerning and she is actually promoting the stinker unlike songs from her own album. But excuse me while I go and play some Ke$ha to cleanse myself of this musical abortion.

2/10